Jokes and funny stories

Nothing will make the inscription ... ' More convincing than the.
postscript '. Sniper works! '.

Every husband is unhappy with the way his wife spends money and the government.
The only difference is that he is not afraid to openly criticize the government.

First, we rejoice that Niffer been taught and passed okuenno session. Later that Niffer not work and get a lot of money Kouevi.
Then we complain that we pay a lot of money somehow Kouevi dolboepam that Niffer do nothing.


The doctor makes a diagnosis and establish the true cause of the pathologist.


Kutuzov was right - in order to save Russia, it is necessary to burn Moscow.


The budget surplus in Russia is obtained when the state takes away more people than he has time to steal from him.


Live within your means is not difficult, it is difficult to find a means by which to live.


Mathematics student fell asleep with the thought of the sexual problem. In the morning woke up with a solution in hand.


Man has always believed in miracles. Especially when the ATM clicks ...


- The park has a ride, I felt sick after half a day!.
- Stand with shawarma?.


- What does the blonde after the twenty-fifth orgasm?.
- Guys, you really play as a team?.


Council of the girls.
Do not trust a man who alleges that he was not married and he sees you in your future life partner, if you had written down the phone.
under the name ' water utility '.


There is a drunk guy. He sees a girl, grabs her, leans against the fence.
- Tights shoot? .
- Why? .


- Dad, and hisses like a snake?.
- Zinaida Petrovna - Dad yells, referring to his mother - tell.
anything, the son of the lessons should help.


Comes to a man in a bar and orders a beer. When he asked for an account, bamen said:.
-27 rubles.
The man pulls out his 27 rubles coins and 1 ruble and throws them across the counter. The bartender turned pale, but without saying a word, the money collected.
The next day came again, and this guy orders a beer.
When calculating the bartender again says:.
-27 rubles.
A man puts on a rack 50 rublevuyubumazhku.
... He gets 23 coins, each worth 1 ruble and throws them across the.
rack in the hall. Coins were scattered in every corner. The man thought for a moment, then gets four ruble coins, the bartender serves them with the words:.
- More beer!.


It is said that when Aristotle invented logic, he made ​​a feast to celebrate, and ordered to slaughter 40 sheep. Since then, the sheep do not like the logic.


Charlie Chaplin has a scene where he hides behind a curtain and pretends to be fighting with someone, and actually ' fighting ' with myself. Every time I remember this scene when I hear that our officials are fighting against corruption.


Secondary sexual characteristics of men: the car, apartment and is financially secure for long been the primary!.


- Why did you divorce your wife?.
- She has six months to me is not talking.
- Take your time, think about it. Such a wife is not so easy to find.


it: - she must be able to roll three things: banks, eyes and hysterical!.
he: - and the lip.

When my guy at the store to buy a pile of medical equipment disposable medical gowns, bonnets, and. klizm. According to him, was the second day of the wedding.

Stand, then a pedestrian near, waiting for the green itself in my mind. The red, but with none of the parties did not even hear the cars, the rear are two guys and then I hear:.
'. Either a fool or not local. '.

X: In the individual case it is written: ' bears super ideas in the absence of basic knowledge '.

If the word ' web ' on 2/3 consists of a mat, then what do you want from the Internet?.

Please respond to the girl who in 1989. April 14 at about 8. 20 on the stretch between the Park of Culture and October looked at me. And then she smiled! . Where are you now? . and I will not need.

Of Korean heritage bard:.
'If you do not have a dog - it does not boil a neighbor. '.


- Sex is a messy threesome.
- Especially when all three men.
- Similarly,.

Why does the giant planets do not have intelligent life? . simply because there is a large attraction does not arise.


Zapepshis in the bathroom, was engaged in optimism.

Well when you do not drink, good morning, good mood, energy galore, life is good, as many think, and maybe for a beer!?).


- B saw Norway. In Oslo at the airport waiting room dude walks with the dog and all the smells, so to prevent.
- In Amsterdam, too, saw chuvaka. Xodit right in the center of the city and all the smells, but without the dog!.


In Russia, who need not give a bribe - the fight against corruption will not start.


Hijacker sits in the car. Begins to wail siren. A screen recorder.
appears:.
' To turn off the siren and start the engine, send an SMS to a short.
number '.


- Dad! .
- Neither the cms, synog! .


Memo to women.
If you want, that a man got on his knees - undress and stand on all fours.


At the mental hospital patients were playing Battleship. Total games: three ships hit, two wounded and one boat smashed his head on the head doctor.


- It's a pity that the seals do not know how to meow....
- Yes, but they are good at drinking, swearing and breaking bricks on his head.


Dress Lady Ga -gi, natural meat, reminded me of the anecdote about the ugly girl, on which hung chops, at least to play with her dog.


In vain to think that wisdom - it is a privilege of old age.
Asshole with age does not become a wise man - he gets old asshole.

If you touch the right hand of the priests beautiful brunette, with his left hand, a chic brown-haired, and your face is buried in a charming bust blonde.
This does not mean that you are in heaven. Just lucky you on the subway at rush hour.


We are approaching the border of Abkhazia, if someone has a weapon, drugs, illicit drugs - cook to 200 rubles.


For some people - just a driver's license, and for the inspector DPS - bread rationing.


xxx: Blah, half an hour trying to download a book net, and every other reference to the prostitutes sent!!!.
yyy: can book them?.


The diplomat - a person who serves you answer that you will forget what you all asked him.


Girl, do not wake me bunny!.


Preparing to release a box of old rubbish, do not consider their contents, or so did not throw.


Check in medical school.
Instructor:.
- Cheat sheets and then do not throw a couple of first years, when you're practicing physicians, they will still be useful.


- How much money do you want for it not to publish your article - I have asked.
- To the end of life was enough - I said.
Gave ten, vowed to shoot.


Feel sorry for himself - the same masturbation, better to find one that is sorry.


The teacher of Russian language to a certain point of his life was confident that the two strips - is the predicate.


The accountant comes to the admin:.
- Hey, a programmer, I have a computer hung, come and see.
A week later, the admin goes to the accountant:.
- Hey, dengoschet soon salaries will go to the card?.


Son says to parents: I want to be a plumber or a peddler or a swimming pool cleaners pizza!.
Husband to his wife: Honey, it seems to me that our son has found the movie!.


of tourists in Turkey:.
The Germans get up at 5 am to put your towel on the sunbeds still free, then go to sleep, relax, walk.
Russian typically arise in three days, go to the lounges and think: ' What a cool service in Turkey! .


- What Russian does not like to drive fast?.
- Those who are flashing oncoming cars.


Women's clothes: wear nothing, and nowhere to hang.


30% of the life of a person sleeps, the other 70% - want to sleep.


Rents a car mechanic and a client along the way with him talking:.
- And who do you work?.
- The surgeon, heart surgery spend.
- And a lot of pay?.
- Up to 20 thousand dollars for the operation.
- Here is a pancake, because in essence the same thing we do, I go over the engines, and you, too, and I just paid 300 bucks.
- Do you want to as well as I receive?.
- Of course!.
The surgeon throws a pack of bucks on the table and starts the engine.
- Went through!.


In Moscow, introduced the fourth traffic light - a red light.
It means - ...


The woman, thinking that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, is aiming too high!.



Dear students, .
Even complex third-order differential equations.


Traffic cop stops a driver:.
- Why is driving without a seat belt?.
driver:.
- Are not you glad?.


At the mental hospital patients in the morning watching on TV news. a sudden.
slaps himself on the knee:.
- Well, I'm in the nuthouse!.
Behind him, aides to each other:.
- Yes. This, I believe, has recovered.


Literary Award in 2009 in the category ' best fiction.
story ' has won the traffic police for a story about an accident on Leninsky Prospekt to.
involving a vehicle Lukoil.


- Little Johnny, tell me you love our President?.
- Yes, Maria Ivanovna, as their parents.
- Why?.
- President, we, Maria Ivanovna, as well as parents - do not choose!.


Passengers train Moscow -Odessa realized that something had gone wrong, when.
wagon with a strained face was Steven Seagal.


question: why have committed a crime the police are always.
yesterday dismissed?.
Answer: it seems that the police play in the mysterious.
game - the loser is obliged to resign and commit a crime!.


Sources close to the police, report the details of yesterday's accident:.
revealed that whipped ' Bentley ' pedestrians were in the sect of suicides, and.
were pockets of heroin and plan to blast the Kremlin.


Inexperienced pickers and lost two days of eating all the mushrooms that came across.
Now they are found, but their testimony is at variance. Do not converge, even age.


Smart people do not take offense, and immediately begin to plan revenge.



Discuss.